


If Heaven Falls, I'm Coming Too

by Ninyaaaaaaah



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Angst, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Modern AU, Suicide mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-31 18:52:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12688158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninyaaaaaaah/pseuds/Ninyaaaaaaah
Summary: Alex shows up drunk to the funeral





	If Heaven Falls, I'm Coming Too

**Author's Note:**

> Pleaeaeaaaaese make sure you read the tags. 
> 
> Song title is from "The Drugs Don't Work" by The Verve which is a song that rips out my heart and grinds it into the dirt every time I hear it.
> 
> I wrote this and cried instead of working on NaNo please give me love.

_”Alex. Alex. Don’t answer this. Fuck. Don’t pick up, I just… I just can’t, anymore. I’m sorry. Everything hurts. I… fuck. I love you.”_

~

Alex shows up drunk to the funeral.

He spills out of the Uber all liquid, all salt cheeked. Stands on the curb and grabs onto the lamp post and sways and sways and sways. Looks up at the church with watery eyes and fuck, he can’t do this he can’t do this he can’t do this. 

Feels sick, feels green tinged, feels all off kilter. 

Lafayette appears in front of him. 

“Alexander, oh, Alex, you can’t go in there like this,” Lafayette’s hands find Alex’s shoulders and Alex shakes his head because he can’t be anything but like this right now. 

Lafayette goes in for a hug and Alex shakes his head, steps back, nearly falls right into traffic, is saved only by Lafayette’s hands on his suit jacket, pulling him back. 

“Don’t,” Alex whispers, broken terrified sound. Don’t touch me, it hurts. Don’t touch me, I can’t take it.

Don’t touch me, I’ll shatter.

Lafayette looks helpless, swallows against his own sheen of tears and Alex can’t, he still just fucking can’t.

Stares up at the church, thinks those four sweeping steps will be the hardest steps of his life. 

“Take a deep breath Alexander. Come on, you can do it,” Lafayette’s voice shakes, and he gives Alex a gentle shake and Alex wants to punch him. “You’re the bravest person I know, you can do this.”

Alex wants to scream. Alex wants to cry. Alex wants to get drunker and get in a fist fight until he’s bloody nosed and black eyed and tasting iron in his mouth and he almost laughs a bitter, sharp edged laugh because he finally understands what he never could.

Some things just hurt too much to keep inside your skin.

“I can’t,” he chokes out. 

“You can, come on, do it for John,” Lafayette tries to encourage him, tries to coax him. 

“What difference does it make Laf, he’s fucking gone!” Alex snarls. 

Lafayette closes his eyes and Lafayette sways and he takes a deep breath and Alex can fucking _see_ him trying to find a place inside his body big enough to shoulder the pain, and it makes Alex want to lie down right here and curl up in a ball and never move again. 

“I know, I know, I know,” Lafayette whispers with his eyes still closed and his teeth clenched like he can somehow keep the inside of himself separate from all of this. “Do it for me?” He asks, quieter, words snagging on something deep inside Alex. 

Alex sways. Alex wants to vomit, wants to hurt, wants to erase this entire shitty week. 

“I can’t do it without you,” Lafayette continues, and when he opens his eyes they are wide and bright and wet and Alex feels like he’s drowning, Alex feels like he’s on fire, Alex feels like he’s been smashed into a million little pieces and he’ll never be whole again. 

“Okay, okay,” he hears himself whisper. 

Lafayette takes his hand and squeezes it so hard it hurts and Alex squeezes back just as hard because if he doesn’t he’s going to evaporate. 

Lafayette leads him into the church, up those goddamn stairs. Pauses just inside the door and turns to Alex again. 

“Do you want to see him?” He asks, soft, quiet. 

Alex chokes on a howl of anguish and shakes his head no. Shoves his free hand into his pocket and grips his phone tight. He has the voicemail, has the last words anyone ever heard John say saved there. Doesn’t need to see him, doesn’t want to see the pain on his face. 

Heard it plain as day when he picked up the voicemail hours too late.

Alex lets Lafayette guide him through the entryway and into the back of the church.

Alex catches Martha’s eye, sees her tear streaked face, her trembling chin, the deep furrow in her brow, the way her hands shake and shake and shake and he nearly fucking loses it. Turns around and tries to leave, only to be stopped by Lafayette’s fingers grabbing onto the back of his jacket and yanking him back. 

“Stay,” he hisses, and Alex only hears the tremble in his voice because he knows him so well. 

“Fuck you for making me do this,” Alex hisses back. Sits in the back row beside Lafayette and digs his fingernails into his palms so hard they leave behind purple crescent marked bruises. 

Doesn’t hear a word of what anyone says.

Shakes and shakes and shakes and shakes. 

Henry Laurens gets up to speak. 

Alex feels like he’s suffocating. Feels like he can’t breathe. Feels like his tie is too tight and the air is too hot and still and can see the open casket from here but he can’t see inside it and his palms sweat and his heart races too fast in his chest and the edges of his vision turn green and blurry as Henry starts to talk. 

“I can’t Laf, I can’t,” he whispers, desperate, shaking. 

Gets up and all but throws himself out the double doors of the church. 

Gulps in the clean, cold air, chokes, whimpers, stares at his shaking hands and doesn’t know how to swallow all the things he’s feeling, all the ways he’s coming apart at the seams. 

Lafayette appears at his side a moment later. 

“Are you okay?” he asks. 

Alex laughs. 

“No,” he chokes out. 

Lafayette reaches out, puts a hand on Alex’s shoulder and Alex feels like he’s been set on fire, yanks away. 

“Don’t touch me!” he hisses through his teeth. Wet and desperate and shaking. 

“Can you come back inside?” Lafayette asks. 

“No,” Alex whimpers. “No. Please don’t make me.” 

Alex stumbles down the steps and nearly falls. Looks up at Lafayette with desperate, barely seeing eyes. 

“Get me away from here,” he chokes out. 

Lafayette doesn’t say a word, just bounds down the steps and takes Alex’s hand and drags him away from the church, away from the street, away from John Laurens’ cold, lifeless body in an open casket. 

He opens the passenger door of the beat up car and Alex gets in. 

The car smells like smoke and it smells like sweat and it smells like stale pizza and beneath all of that, it smells like John, and John’s bomber jacket is in the back seat and there’s a half drunk case of beer back there and an empty pizza box. 

Lafayette starts the car and he peels out with tires squealing and Alex reaches behind him and fishes out a beer and chugs it, and Lafayette glances over at him but he doesn’t say anything, just drives with his knuckles white on the wheel. 

“I miss him so much,” Lafayette says. 

“Don’t. Laf. Don’t,” Alex pleads. Crushes the beer can in his fist and tosses it into the backseat. Fishes out another and cracks it open, brings it to his lips, hates the way it tastes on its own, when he’s not licking traces of it out of John’s mouth, off John’s plush lips. Remembers John wild eyed and laughing on a nameless Friday night in a back alley, trying to shotgun a beer and winding up with it spilling all down his chin and neck in gold coloured foam that Alex licked off his freckled skin. Remembers the feel of John’s pulse under his lips, so desperately _alive_ , and chokes on a sob and chokes on the beer. 

“Alex…” Lafayette says. Reaches over and puts one hand on Alex’s knee and it still feels like being scorched but Alex doesn’t want it to stop this time. 

“Pull over. Pull over, I’m going to puke,” Alex scrambles for the door handle and Lafayette pulls over and Alex is grateful they’re in fucking South Carolina and not New York City because he throws the door open and falls out of the car onto his hands and knees on the gravel shoulder and he retches and shakes and nothing comes up. 

Lafayette comes around the car and puts a hand on Alex’s back and kneels beside him. 

“Oh, minou…” he whispers, and Alex’s stomach turns inside out and he vomits beer and vodka. 

Lafayette stays beside him until he’s nothing but an empty, shaking, sobbing mess, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

Alex can’t breathe and Alex is nothing but shattered glass and pain and Alex feels like he’s drowning and he doesn’t know what he’d do if Lafayette wasn’t here. 

Lafayette gathers him up and Lafayette pours him back into the car and Lafayette drives the rest of the way back to the hotel while Alex drinks more beer and strips out of his suit jacket and dress shirt and tie, trades them for John’s bomber jacket, buries his nose in the collar.

Lafayette all but carries Alex up to their room and pours him onto the bed, and he strips down to his underwear and he lies down beside Alex and he pulls Alex close and buries his hands in Alex’s hair. 

Alex looks at Lafayette, and Lafayette looks at Alex and then Lafayette leans in and he kisses Alex, of all things, and Alex melts and he breaks and he falls apart on the first lick of Lafayette’s tongue into his mouth and he sobs into the kiss but he kisses Lafayette back anyways and he tastes so different from John. 

He kisses Lafayette back like it’s the only thing keeping him alive, and Lafayette makes a desperate, destroyed sound in the back of his throat and then Alex can’t kiss him anymore because he’s sobbing so hard, and Lafayette gathers him closer and Lafayette’s sobbing too, and they hold each other tight and shake and shake and shake and Alex isn’t sure if he’ll survive until morning and he isn’t sure anything will ever be able to fill all the holes John Laurens ripped in him.

**Author's Note:**

> This was extremely cathartic to write.


End file.
